The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My husband is out of town, so it’s either girl dinner or spend $87 on DoorDash
My husband just shouted out of nowhere “Alexa, how many days is 65 million hours.”
Me [walking in]: It’s cold out. Wife: It’s winter. That tends to happen every year around this time. Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.
My husband is coming down with a cold, so I’m going to need some thoughts and prayers.
My husband did a load of laundry so now he’s sitting by the curb in a lawn chair waiting for a celebratory parade to start.
my wife grounded all the kids from all screens for the whole day and I just wanna know what the f*ck I did to deserve this punishment.
Grilled cheese tastes better when my husband makes it.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”2.5 hrs later, credits…
My husband is addicted to Seinfeld. I’m trying to get him to watch Curb or Veep, but he just keeps going back to Seinfeld. Is this grounds for divorce?
Before getting married there should be a basic test, things like buying a sofa together, assembling a dresser, filling and emptying a dishwasher.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Me: We need to work on our communication.Husband: So, you mean me listening to you and doing whatever you say? Me: See! It’s already better.
I like to live life on the edge. For example, I didn’t even wait for my husband to leave the house before I turned the heat up 2 degrees.
Me: gonna read before to bed to relax Wife: that Ted Bundy book? Me: yeah why not
My wife gave me an Oura ring.Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed. It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax. Is my wife outsourcing?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Wife is putting away the Halloween stuff and putting up Christmas decorations today. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Wife: You think someday you can go teach at a university with your college degree?Me: Yeah, I suppose.Wife: You should. I’d love to read the terrible reviews from your students.Me:Wife: I’ve already prepared a review too.
my wife using the analogy of “If you give a monkey a knife and that monkey stabs someone, you don’t blame the monkey” after seeing me fail at a task is either gaslighting or genius
Barista: What can I get you?Me: A double espresso.Wife: Grande decaf latte made with soy milk, with no foam, extra hot in a gluten free, organic, sustainable, locally sourced cup.Barista: